My relationship with Time

Time depends on your perspective and experience. Stillness changes our experience of time.

I was given a writing prompt recently which asked, “What do you want more of in your life?” And then in the same week another one, which asked, “What is standing in your way right now?”

As I wrote in response to each of these I discovered that my answer was the same.

My relationship with time stands in my way right now. Guarding the door to my freedom. And I want more time. Time is this elusive gift I am given every morning and must not squander…but yet I must not hold it too tightly either. I must respond to my children, my animals, my home and my business when it needs me. I must be flexible and present, and cherish each moment rather than plan my life away. I must find time to be still, and time to do. It’s a fine balance.

My relationship with time is challenging. In the past I have resigned myself to just never having enough. As I age, that resignation gets scarier, and I’ve started trying to make more conscious choices about time. For this new year I’ve decided that I really don’t want to be busy. Busy is a badge of honour in our culture, or at least it was pre-pandemic.

Being busy makes us feel important and it helps us to avoid hard things. Some of us use being busy to numb our pain. For years as an entrepreneur my plate has been so full that my answer to the question “How are you?” has been “Busy.” And it wasn’t usually a good busy, like the business is doing so well I can’t keep up. It’s an overwhelmed busy, so busy I can’t think or be, I can only do. This is no longer the state that I want to be my default.

My first step in recovering from busy has been to recognize that I have a choice. As with everything, I can choose each day and each moment NOT to live the the space of busy-ness. But it requires me to let go of a lot.

First I have to let go of my addiction to productivity. In the past, I have measured success and productivity by the number of things I am able to check off my list each day. And I won’t let myself be finished until they are all done. Lately, I’ve found myself sitting in my car in the parking lot of the hockey rink with my laptop open, trying to get just one more thing done before my son finishes his hockey practice.

I have often described myself as a slave to my to-do list, and I haven’t been able to see my way out of living and working like that.

So as the new year dawned, I felt strongly that I needed to change. I abandoned my list for a few days over the holidays and I just did whatever I wanted to. Which meant, given the current state of the world, that I went for walks outside and read my book by the fire since there’s not much else to do in these pandemic days. But I noticed what happened when I created space. My creative mind woke up. I saw things from new perspectives and I had new ideas. I spent time exploring them. And it felt nourishing and exciting rather than productive.

It was fulfilling rather than draining. And I liked it.

If you’ve ever had an in-person meeting with me, you know I would feel naked without my bullet journal. I could never completely give up my to do lists. But I’ve decided that space is what I want more of, which means giving myself choices about time. Choices about time happen moment-to-moment, but I’m better prepared for those moments if I set intentions for the day and am clear about what is most important to me. When I know the most important things, I can choose when to answer the phone and when not to. I can choose when to respond to emails and when not to. I can limit the time I spend doing work I dislike by setting a timer (this really helps with procrastination!). I can start with the hardest thing on my list by acknowledging that it’s hard.

I can also plan people into my day. As a leader, much of my time is spent talking to people and it can feel like that is keeping me from the rest of the things on my list. But talking to people is a really important part of my job. And even more important is taking the time to listen to them.

As we get deep into January I’m discovering that my new system isn’t perfect. But I think it’s better. I still feel overwhelmed some days. And I still put too many things on my list. But most days I get the most important thing done, and most days I feel like I have a choice.

I’ve heard it said that time is the currency of our lives but I think there is much we can learn about time that would help us let it flow, rather than worry about how we are spending it.